Who's taking care of whom

Aidan and I were playing pick-up-sticks yesterday and a neighbour dropped by for a visit. Her mother passed away recently and I said that I was sorry to hear about it. She said that she feels she has a closer relationship with her now that she's dead than she did when she was alive. She said that she has conversations in her head with her dead mother every day. Aidan piped up and said that he does that with Geoff. Fleur said she isn't sure that's true for her. It seems to me that Aidan has figured out some things that some of the adults have not.

I was having coffee with my coffee clutch today when the conversation turned to awful things that happen to kids. We were referencing ourselves but then we got onto who stands up for children when they are in an environment that is toxic in some way. I'm thinking of my niece and nephew in particular. Their parents are well-meaning but they have too much adult angst on their plates to see what's happening for the kids.

When you see what looks unhealthy, at what stage do you say something? At what stage do you move from saying something to doing something? And what do you do? What is 'opinion' and when does it move from concern to interference. And when does interference need to become rescuing?

We talked about how unhealthy environments are often seen as the norm for the family where it's painful for the child. 'Unhealthy' can often mean that there is love in the family but that it isn't being expressed very well. The conversation made me think of the number of people who have told me about one person who was in their lives when things were almost unbearable for them. That one person, who listened to them or inspired them or gave them a book - whatever they did - gave the child what they needed to keep themselves from sinking into the abyss of dysfunction.

I wonder what my niece and nephew need from my mother and me. This is on my radar because both the kids have had birthdays over the last month. Next week we will get together with Paige and I'm thinking about what I might say that could be helpful. I don't want to make anything worse for her. Maybe she just needs to hear that we're here if she needs us. She may not know how yet, but just knowing a safety net is there might be enough.