'Darked'

I've got the 'roamies' tonight. That's when I don't know where to put myself and can't settle to doing anything. I haven't had this feeling for quite a while and am casting about trying to figure out what has caused this episode.

Sometimes it's because something is going on with someone I know and the news hasn't reached me yet. There's no way to know whether that's the case until I find out something. If it isn't that, occasionally I'm picking something up from someone close to me. That's possible. My father is spending Christmas with my brother and his family this year and my brother seems to be scared that my mother and I won't react well to this news. I don't have a problem with it. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved that we won't have to sit in all the tension and pretend all is well.

My brother and his family are affording me a great learning opportunity at the moment. I'm having to let go and trust that what's happening is right. I have always worried that I haven't tried hard enough; that I haven't tested every door available. I think I'm exhausted and need to explore the possibility that I've done what I can and life is for a long time. I'm not the only influence in his life and if I can release some mental and emotional space by putting him down, maybe there will be room for new people to come into my life who actually like to spend time with me. Hard lesson but so simple.

It seems to me that it's a time for clearing out old emotional stuff in this dark time of the year. I've spoken to many people who are soul-searching and deciding what can stay and what needs to go. For me, it isn't about throwing people away as much as it's about re-viewing how I relate to them and how much energy I'm going to devote to relationships that don't feed my soul. Maybe there is such a thing as caring too much - more than is necessary.

On an up note, I received the equivalent of a gold star at the dentist today. I always feel like a kid at school, except that I have to pay for the star! Of course, if it weren't a gold star check-up, it would be even more expensive! So my smile is gleaming tonight.

I've also received two Christmas parcels in the mail, which I picked up today, and one Christmas card. I'm feeling cherished. I don't even have to open them to feel that way. I love Christmas mail, although there really isn't very much of it anymore because we can do most of it by email.

It's time I made some plans for myself. I need to get out and hear some carols that aren't commercial. I'd like to walk the labyrinth downtown. I like to do that when the year is 'darked'. I've already watched the cartoon version of the Grinch and sung all the songs, loud and off-key, and with most of the wrong words. I enjoyed every minute of it. This weekend I'll bake some Christmas fare and have mince-pies with a cuppa.

Hope you're all enjoying your Christmas preparations, however you're doing it.