Staying afloat

It has been two weeks since I posted here and I confess that I have been finding it challenging to keep my thoughts positive and remain optimistic in my outlook. I'm managing, most days, but some days it's a close call. I was reading a channeled article the other day about how important it is to stay out of the vortex of fear that is created when we allow ourselves to fall out of trusting our voice within. Fear just attracts the very thing we're afraid of. I know that's true.

I cringe when what I say sounds 'new age', which I am not; at least not if it's defined as jumping onto the bandwagon of every person who comes along with a new and improved way to 'manifest' whatever you feel you're lacking. I believe in keeping my two feet planted on the ground and my head out of the pink clouds of La-la Land. I try to use my internal 'holding tank' to consider what I'm told, 'New Age' or not, and not react to every new idea.

My job hunt has been a real test of my ability to stay out of the fear. I know what I 'should' and 'can' be doing to find the next job for myself. I know what the time-tested ways to do it are. I read and respond to the job ads, which are now on the Internet instead of on paper. I've not had any responses since I started in November. There has been just one job that sounds interesting to me and they sent me an email saying that there has been a delay - but I've heard nothing more in the subsequent two weeks. I've decided that this tack isn't working and that I should try something else.

The 'something else' could be networking. There are lots of ways to network and I know what they are because I have taught other people how to use them. However, I know I'm holding back. I only want to network if it feels right. So now I have to define 'feels right'. Sitting here and thinking about it isn't going to find me a job.

Last night I decided that I needed to follow my nose, by which I mean that I have to do what feels good, and keep my eyes and ears open for opportunities and synchronicities. Tomorrow, I'm going with a friend to the Green Living Show downtown. I don't know why except that it appeals to me. My friend is like that and he's good to hang out with as well. I want to put myself among people who care about how we live and are doing something about it.

I've always lived as though I am my own petri dish and I suppose that how I'm approaching finding new work now shouldn't be any exception. If doing some particular thing doesn't feel right, then I shouldn't be doing it; it's what I tell other people. I have an annoying and somewhat debilitating judge inside my head that tells me, regularly and forcefully, that I should be 'working hard' every day, going through the motions of making phone calls to people whose names I have gleaned from other contacts, and that I'm only being lazy and evasive if I don't. I've had a lot of conversations with this judge and mostly I can keep her at bay. It's just that nothing is visibly happening and I begin to think I may be kidding myself.

I say all of this, not because I want to whine, but because I really do believe that I have to do things differently than I have in the past. I'm feeling my way around in this uncertain territory to figure out what the 'new' way ought to be. I don't have a road map here, except for the hybrid psychology/spirituality/physics books I've been reading lately.

I've set my intention for gainful and enjoyable employment. I focus on it every day. I talk about what I'm looking for. I tell everyone I know what sorts of things I want to do, and can do. I follow-up on anything that comes along that takes my interest, because one never knows where any of them could lead. I meditate, to stay in touch with the centre of myself where I believe my answers lie - as opposed to other people's answers. I steer clear of people who are negative and filled with fear.

I really do think that each of us is on this little blue planet in order to make our own unique contribution. I'm just not always sure what mine is. On the big-picture level, I think I'm here to help people to hear and trust in their idea of what their life purpose is, and then do something about it. But that's a pretty general and tall order. It might be true that my time will come, if I can just be patient. It occurs to me that I might be a little ahead of the curve and that my 'market' hasn't caught the scent of the need for this yet.

Does this mean that my job could be anything, as long as I'm working alongside people to whom I could lend an ear or give encouragement? Maybe what I 'do' is irrelevant. Am I waiting for a pure job to come along with a label on it that is more explicit than anyone can handle - one that doesn't even exist?

This isn't news, of course. It's more of the same stuff I've been saying for years and I feel that I'm being repetitive and perhaps even stubborn. If I am, I hope someone will blow into my life and shed some light. In the meantime, I tell myself that I must trust that I just have to stay afloat long enough for whatever needs to happen, to happen. I might need a fill-in job to tide me over. I wonder what it might be.