Lies, lies, and denial

We had a conversation at coffee today about lying and denial and it has left me thinking. I said today, and have said many times before, that there is an energy around a lie that is different from the energy around the truth, or the truth as we know it to be. As I get older and more experienced with other people lying to me, my awareness is increasing around when I'm being lied to. I may not always know what the lie is, or why the person is lying, but I think I can tell when it happens. Of course, there may be times when I don't, but I wouldn't know that unless it were to be brought to light through some other means.

I think denial is a kind of lying to the self. I figure it must come from an inability to face the truth, or what we fear is the truth and what it might mean, perhaps because we feel we are helpless before it. It could be that it's just plain old fear! It seems to me that the fear is so powerful that the person who is in denial can refuse to see what is pointed out to them, even when the evidence is overwhelming.

How does one get through to that person? Is it even possible? With the male members of my family, I have always hoped that it would be– one day. I have been hanging in, waiting for the day when either of them would be able to see a little chink of light that would let them hold out a hand and say, "Maybe there is something to what you're saying. Let me have a look at it and I'll get back to you." I'd be happy just to be able to open some dialog.

I'm coming to understand that such an admission is much more difficult than I might have imagined. I suppose it depends what one imagines is the underpinning issue that is causing all the fear. For instance, if my father or my brother were to believe that they are basically flawed and unworthy human beings and that they would be completely abandoned if anyone were to find out, then that belief would form the cornerstone of their behaviour around everything. It would be the seminal denial and every lie they told would spring from that fear and be designed to protect themselves against ultimate abandonment.

By the time someone like me came along and pointed out just one little lie or one form of denial that was part of that fabric of lies, acknowledging it would be tantamount to letting someone take the end of the ball of yarn and pull on it. It could unravel their self image and their whole life could fall apart. For them, it might have to be all or nothing in terms of defending the lies. They couldn't allow anyone to touch any part of the web without the whole thing being in jeopardy.

My self esteem must be solid enough that I can take a look at what comes my way without it disturbing the bedrock of my identity, although I'm not saying it wouldn't be uncomfortable or even painful to look. Perhaps both of them see the basic confidence in me and believe that I wouldn't understand how they feel. They might feel that I have 'all the cards', certainly in the confidence department, and they have fewer, or none. I have power; they don't. I'm resilient; they're vulnerable. They're at risk and I have nothing to lose. It wouldn't seem like an even playing field to them and therefore not safe enough to take such a huge risk as to uncover themselves, even to themselves.

I've tried showing my vulnerability to them, as I do with my friends, and so far it hasn't worked. It's as though even that disclosure is something that you can only do if you're confident enough. I don't think I can pretend to be less confident than I am; that would just insult their intelligence.

I guess the realization I'm finally coming to is that there isn't anything I can do, except love them and leave them to get on with their path in life. I've asked myself if this is what I would do with anyone else.

I'm sure that I don't have as much emotional baggage with people outside my family and maybe it makes it easier to resolve conflicts with them than it is closer to home. I'm not as invested, perhaps, and less likely to take offense or get so scared that it's beyond me to find a solution. Having said that, there are times when I am clearly triggered by something that pushes my hot buttons and makes me reactive. I had one of those this week at the library! I've done enough work on myself by now though, to know when it's happening and to pull back and reconsider my reaction - if not in the moment, then at least shortly afterwards.

I guess the difference is that way down deep inside me I am confident that I can somehow find my way through and out the other end of the conflict - or not. There have been a few of those as well. I'm just less willing to accept that my father and my brother and his family could be in the camp where I have to accept that they aren't within my ability to reach.

That's the key: not within my ability. Trust, Lucca, trust! As Janet used to say to me, "It pains me!"